The Trouble with Profilers
by seditionary
Summary: Penelope is having a hard time dealing with some news; Rossi's already gotten the scoop. Fluff, humor.


**A/N: Written for the Chit-Chat forum challenge. Prompt: Nail polish, a stuffed animal, a calendar. Garcia/Rossi. Hope you like! Please review...**

**Seds**

**xoxoxox**

Penelope Garcia walked into her office and listlessly threw her purse on one of her visitors' chairs. She glanced at her nails and shook her head. She was badly in need of a manicure, but she just hadn't been in the mood, lately. She dug around in her handbag and found a bottle of bright orange nail polish-it didn't match her outfit, but it would do for a quick touch-up until she could face going to a proper nail-care professional.

She sat down behind her desk and looked at her baby kitten calendar. She made another ugly red "x" with a Magic Marker on that day's date. Sixteen. She was now officially sixteen days late, and that was officially more than half a month, which meant that it was officially time to start freaking out. She picked up her phone and called Kevin. He answered in a voice filled with cheerful good humor.

"Hey, babe!"

"Hey. Listen-I want you to do something for me."

"Sure, anything-what is it?"

"I want you to go to the drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. A good one, a name brand. Something that promises quick, accurate results. I'm going to come home at lunch and take it out for a spin."

"Really? Oh, wow-you really think you might be-"

"Just buy the damn thing. And, quit sounding so freakin' happy. This is a disaster."

"It is not! It's a wonderful, fantastic miracle-oh, man, I hope you are!"

"You bite your tongue! Bite it, bite it right now, do you hear me? Do it!"

"Pen-"

"You're a horrible, terrible, overly-fertile boyfriend and I hate you! I'll see you at lunch-good_bye."_

Garcia slammed the phone down and held back tears. In the non-hormonal, still-logical part of her brain came the thought, "Kevin's the world's sweetest guy, I'm so lucky to have him, and, if I am pregnant, everything is going to be great." The other, possibly pregnant, part of her brain wanted to kill him. Slowly and painfully.

The intercom buzzed; it was Reid. Thankful for work to be done, she picked up the phone and put as much enthusiasm in her voice as possible. "Good morning, unworthy one. What miracles can I perform for you today?"

She worked obsessively until 12:00 noon. Then, she grabbed her purse and hurried home.

xoxoxox

After lunch, Garcia returned to her office in a daze.

Fully expecting his girlfriend to scorn the findings of one, no doubt unreliable, pregnancy test, Kevin had rightly purchased two; both had come out positive. He'd been thrilled beyond belief. Garcia had cried. Then, she'd yelled.

Then, she'd cried some more while Kevin rocked her in his arms. Then, she'd told him how much she loved him, and had smiled at him through her tears, until he made the mistake of saying she was beautiful. That had sent her stalking out of the house, threatening to bring home a 15th century samurai sword she'd had her eye on that would surely do a fine job of preventing any incidents of this nature from ever taking place in the future.

She went to take a seat behind her desk, only to find a large chocolate-colored teddy bear with a red-velvet bowtie sitting in her chair. She frowned. Kevin certainly was driving her crazy these days, but she didn't think he was aware enough of that fact to have gone through the trouble of figuring out how to sneak a present into her office without her knowing about it. She picked up the bear-the store tags were still on it (with the price marked out) but it bore no other identifying marks, such as who it was from, or what occasion it was meant to observe.

Garcia shrugged and set it aside. It was cute, and she was in no mood for cute. Just then, a knock came at her door.

"Come in."

Dave Rossi opened the door with a smile. "Penelope. How are you?"

"Huh?" Garcia squinted at him. Rossi was nice enough, but he wasn't the type to just walk into someone's office and inquire after their health. "I'm, uh, fine. Just fine. Do you... want something, or something?"

"No, I just wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your and Kevin's coming blessed event. Did you like the bear? I firmly believe every baby needs a really good teddy bear."

Garcia's mouth hung open. "How-how did-_what? _Rossi-how did you know?"

Rossi chuckled. "Garcia, please. I'm a profiler, remember? I've been noticing some unusual behavior on your part for the last couple of weeks."

"You have? Like what?"

"Well, last week at the Friday night get-together, you started to order a strawberry daquiri, then changed to a diet soda, then settled on a glass of water. A couple of days ago, when I leaned over your shoulder to look at your computer screen, you switched from Babycenter dot com to one of your search engines, as if I'd caught you viewing a deviant sex site. I also noticed the rather unusual, progressively more violent, markings on your calendar. And, yesterday, when JJ mentioned still not being able to get rid of her last five pregnancy pounds, you burst into tears."

Garcia gave him an irritable sneer. "Oh, so what? None of that means anything. Maybe I had an upset tummy. Maybe I was checking something for a friend. Maybe I'm counting down the days 'til the next Comic-Con. And, maybe I just felt bad for JJ. What do you think about that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Profiler?"

"And, Kevin called me about fifteen minutes ago and said the test was positive."

"That's it. He's dead."

"Now, now. He was worried about you. He just wanted me to check on you, to make sure you weren't getting dehydrated or something."

Garcia gave him a petulant look. "You haven't told anyone else, have you?"

"No, of course not. That would be wrong. It's your news to tell."

"Yeah... Well, thanks." She propped her elbows on her desk and rested her chin in her hands.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine."

Rossi nodded. "All right. Well, I'll be going, then. If you need anything..." He smiled and put his hand on her doorknob.

"Rossi?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for the bear. He's... super-cool."

"No problem. Garcia-I'm happy for you."

She smiled slightly. "You want to know something?"

"What?"

"I kind of am, too."

Rossi laughed. "Everything's going to be just fine. You two will be wonderful parents. And, you have a family here that's going to love and support you through every minute of this adventure." He waved as he slipped out her door.

Garcia turned and picked up the bear. She pressed it to her chest and typed in the web address for Babycenter dot com. Then, she picked up the phone.

She had an apology for Kevin.

And, it was officially time to start arguing about baby names.


End file.
